Proper Funeral Etiquette

Also known as social graces, the rules of etiquette ease us through challenging social situations. Most of us know how to behave in common circumstances but unless you've been to a lot of funerals, you may not know the rules of proper behavior in this often uncomfortable social situation.

Knowing how to behave at a funeral plays a key role in paying respect to the family of the deceased. It is important to understand the rules of funeral etiquette, especially when attending traditional funeral services. Below, we have provided you with some advice regarding what to wear, what to say, and how to act at a funeral.

The Basics of Funeral Etiquette

How to Act, What to Wear, Say & Do

Emily Post once said, "Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others." Much of what we know today about etiquette comes from this woman, who published her first book of etiquette in 1922. When you use those words as your guide, the rules of funeral etiquette become easier to understand.

What to Wear

Tradition has always required a certain level of formality in dressing for a funeral. However, today's end-of-life services are so varied — ranging from the traditional funeral to the often more relaxed celebration of life — that it's challenging to know exactly what's expected of you.

Today's end-of-life services are so varied, ranging from the traditional funeral to more relaxed celebration-of-life, that it's challenging to know exactly what's expected of you.

Your attire should be what you are most comfortable with for a formal occasion. If you would wear a suit or formal dress for a serious occasion, you should wear that. But if your dress is casual even for a serious occasion then you should wear that.

It's important that you feel comfortable with what you wear to a funeral.

What to Say

No one expects you to say more than a few words and bereaved family members are often unable to give you their full attention anyway. So, keep it short and make it sincere.

"I'm so very sorry for your loss" may work very well. If you have time to add to those seven words, you might want to share a personal story about a time you shared with the deceased. But, watch closely for signs that your audience needs to move on to receive condolences from other funeral guests.

When speaking to other funeral guests, speak quietly. This is not a time to discuss business or share stories about your recent vacation. Instead, focus on sharing and listening to stories of times spent with the deceased.

What to Do

If you're unsure about what actions to take when being led by a pastor or celebrant, simply follow along. If you're not comfortable, don't draw attention to your unwillingness to participate. Be discrete and respectful of others.

Always leave your cell phone in the car or at the very least, turn it to vibrate mode or turn it off.

Emotions to Expect

It's good to know what emotions should be expected so you can feel the most comfortable when you attend a visitation before the day or evening before the funeral, at the funeral, or at a post-funeral reception. Even at weddings and baptisms, people cry. Just like at a funeral, these pivotal life moments are very emotionally-charged. That means you can certainly expect to find some people crying at a funeral. It's always helpful to remember to bring a travel pack of tissues with you; however, the funeral home staff will also have access to tissues if you - or the person seated next to you - has a need to wipe their eyes.

But, here's something you should also know: don't be surprised if people share fun memories and laughter at funerals, and very often at visitations the evening before the funeral, or post-funeral receptions. As family and friends recall the stories of the person's life and their experiences with them, funny stories are remembered and are sometimes recalled with a great about of joy. Crying at times, but also laughing at other times in the appropriate setting is part of healing. And all of us need healing. A funeral is a rich mixture of sorrow and joy. In fact, when we're at a funeral the behaviors of guests remind us of the well-known remark from Theodore Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss: “Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.”

How to Handle the Visitation

A visitation, or viewing, is a time prior to the funeral where guests are invited to view the casketed body of the deceased. While it is customary to show your respects to the deceased by stepping up to the casket, you may not feel comfortable doing so. That's perfectly alright; no one wants you to be unnerved by the experience, so focus your attention instead on providing comfort to the bereaved family.

After the Funeral

If the deceased is to be buried following the service, the funeral officiant will announce the location of the interment. If the cemetery is not located on the grounds of the funeral home, there will be a processional of cars formed to escort the hearse to the cemetery. Unless they have chosen to have a private burial, those in attendance are welcome to join in the procession however, don't feel obligated to do so. You may simply leave the funeral at that time.

The Funeral Reception

Many families today hold a post-funeral gathering where food and refreshments are served. While this is a time to share memories, laughter, and even tears, your behavior at a funeral reception needs to remain respectful.

Follow Up with Kindness

Families always comment to us how blessed and comforted they are when they receive a card or note of sympathy in the weeks following the funeral. It's the days and weeks after the funeral that a family faces some of their most challenging moments.

A week after the funeral, send the family a sympathy note or card. It only takes a few minutes, and produces a huge emotional blessing for the family and for you knowing you're reached out. For some people making a phone call to check in with them to see if there's anything they need is a great way to show you you haven't forgotten them.

"Good manners," wrote Emily Post, "reflect something from inside — an innate sense of consideration for others and respect for self." We think that just about sums it up; no matter the situation — wedding, baptism, dinner party or cocktails with friends — her observations about good manners (when followed) will serve us all well.

If you have questions or are unsure about what happens before, during and after a funeral, check our guide to help better prepare yourself to go though this challenging situation.

Source:

The Emily Post Institute, http://www.emilypost.com